Tobitopia
by Chief Spazork
Summary: Tobi has finally captured Naruto, and does plan on completing his world-take-over. But only after he shows Naruto Tobitopia, and takes him to the Jelly Jubilee. /total and utter crack, just for lulz. M for later oddness and language


"So I've finally captured you, Naru-kun!"

Okay, so there was the Lollipop Man. He was looking pretty delighted with himself, even with the vagina mask covering his face. Like really, how was anyone supposed to see how the hell the guy was feeling with that thing covering his expressions? It was totally annoying and seriously does not make for good descriptive language. It must totally piss fanfic writers everywhere off. Anyway.

"Yeah, I kinda noticed." The blonde stared down at the ropes that bound his arms to his side, annoyance clear on his face. He wasn't scared, or nervous, or anything. This was like dealing with a mischievous five year old. Not a criminal who was supposed to have been able to like… Control the whole world with a giant moon eye. Which is totally a brilliant plan. Like really. Moon eye. Yeah. Controlling the world. Mhm. Great job Kishimoto.

Tobi/Madarape jumped up and down excitedly, clapping his hands in front of him. Naruto couldn't help but grimace, really not sure how to deal with this. Was this really Tobi? Leader of the oh-so-powerful Akatsuki? Which Naruto and team had managed to kick to the curb though they were only like fifteen and all the missing nin like thirty plus with crazy insane power. And people wonder why kids these days have complexes.

"I think we should play a game before I extract the Kyuubi, since that'll be like the worst pain you've ever felt in your life and then you'll know you're the reason the whole world's going to be controlled by my giant Moon eye and that'll probably be a bit of a downer."

"… Uhhh." Wow, this guy was just sooooo great at making a good case. But at least it could buy him some time to figure out how to escape… Because really, he couldn't even remember how he got here. All he remembered was a bowl of steaming ramen under a box with a weird stick propping it up, but he hadn't really been paying attention to that. Everything had gone black after he'd dived after the ramen. HEY. IT HAD BEEN LIKE TWO WEEKS INTO A MISSION AND HE WAS HUNGRY. But anyway.

"What kind of game, before I agree?" the blonde questioned guardedly.

"Like you have a choice! And the awesome kind. Dei-Sempai, before that one guy killed him, said it was 'like being on a trip' or something like that. I don't know what he means, because Tobi's a good boy, but Zetsu said it was fun!"

Naruto's eyes narrowed, and an overly anime-ish sweatdrop appeared out of nowhere at his temple. "Uhh…"

"TIME TO PLAY A GAME NARUTO-KUUUUUUUUUN."

The blonde started, and would have so flailed and tried to run away as the Lollipop man lunged towards him and put his gloved hand on Naruto's head. The room began to like… Eat itself in a swirly fashion, and before the soon to be rape victi- I mean Jinchuuriki could really gather what was happening, they weren't in Kansas anymore. Which that cave might as well have been, considering how boring it looked.

"We're here!"

But where exactly 'here' was wasn't explained. The ropes that bound Naruto were gone now, though. And looking down at himself…

He was wearing something akin to a footie pajama thing. Orange, with dandelions drawn cartoon style on them. Looking over at Madarape, it was knee-jerk reaction to immediately hop away from the Akatsuki leader.

Who looked oh so frightening in a purple, frilly tutu, combined with a light orange tank top with a pretty little white flower printed at the center of his chest. His orange swirly mask was still there, covering his face. Still. Damn lack-of-good-mental-image-to-add-to-words-or-emotions-being-described-causing-mask.

"What the hell…" the blonde mumbled, looking around frantically. The ground wasn't… Normal. In fact, it looked like it was covered in-

"Lollipops!" Tobi announced, finishing Naruto's thoughts.

"…Lollipops." Naruto repeated, backing away even further.

"Lollipops! Welcome to… Well, I really don't know what to call it. I would say Wonderland, but I've been there before and it had this weird cat who just wouldn't tell me where to go! And these two guys who went crazy on me for being late for tea, or something like that. So… Tobitopia!" the masked cross-dresser blurted out.

Something was seriously wrong here. Like seriously. Instead of trees, there were giant lollipops of varying sorts. Swirly, multi-colored ones, some studded with littler lollipops, chocolate ones, big ones, small ones, see through ones, heart shaped ones, circular ones, ridged ones, some with words, some with little lollipop bird creatures on them, and he swore he saw one that was moving. Not that a moving lollipop would be so out of place. In a world made of lollipops.

"We're in Lollipop Land! It's next to the Flipped Forest, on top of the Swirly Sky, and the first step to Candy Mountain! Wait, no," Tobi stopped, bringing a hand to tap where his chin should have been. If it weren't for that frickin' mask, that was. "Wrong time, my bad. We're going to the Jelly Jubilee. It's so AWESOME." He was obviously excited… "But there's so much more to go through! Like the Creeper Caverns, Dunes of Death, Raping Rivers, and with the Ziggaly Zeppelin out of commission after I bought Dei-Sempai here, we're gonna have to go over it all on foot!"

Wait, what. Raping Rivers. Creeper Caverns. As so not surprising as that was, Naruto couldn't help but already feel violated. Hell. He was standing there in a footie. And Tobi was in a tutu. What the hell kind of kidnapping was this? If he came out of this with his sanity, and virginity, he'd be happy. HEY. Sixteen and a ninja, you didn't have time to sex shit up. But he didn't want to lose that to a river. Of rape. Before dying a terrible horrible death. Frankly, that just wasn't Naruto's idea of a fun time.

"Why… Don't you just teleport us there?" he questioned, watching as a lollipop butterfly flew by. Okay, that just wasn't possible. The damn thing probably weighed like five pounds with how thick the candy was, how was it in the air…

"BECAUSE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU NAAARUTOOOOOOO-KUUUUUUN!" Tobidara shouted back, launching himself in a tackle-hug at Naruto. Caught off guard, the blonde found himself with an overgrown child latched to his side, and he flailed his arms out, trying to swat the creeper away. After a few moments of trying to lever him away, the lollipop man let go and skipped off down the general direction of some sort of path. It had yellow lollipop swirls down it. What. The. Hell. "We're off to see the Jelly! The wonderful Jelly of Tobitopia! DEE DUM DEE DUM DEE DUM I FORGOT THE REST OF THIS SOOOOONG!" Tobi shouted to the sky, the lollipop birds singing with him and flying around. And if Naruto looked close enough, he coulda sworn there were sparkles.

Sparkles.

Yeah. Naruto didn't know what the fuck kind of drug this guy was on, but all he did know as he followed after Tobi was that he really didn't have a choice in this at all. Really. So he'd be stuck in a crack-addict's little world and forced to go through a ton of shit to get to the Jelly Jubilee and then die. Sounded like a grand time. Hopefully there'd be something along the way to change all that.

_**-HEY LOOK A BIT OF A TIME SKIP AND LOST THE GAME BECAUSE THIS IS MY CRACK AND I LOVE YOU ALL –heart- So I shall do whatever the hell I want and put in random crap everywhere I want and bring in references to people I know and jokes and for the Canadurian who knows who she is I wanna make a reference to Crisis PLZ, FREE ADVERTISING? Anyway, back to the storeh. - **_

"NARU-KUUUUUUN KEEP UUUUUUP!" The guy just didn't have a battery run out. He was like… The frickin' Energizer Bunny. On crack. Times ten. To the third power of total and utter crack. With a direct shot of adrenaline and other shit that made people hyper because Naruto really didn't know about that shit.

It had been at least three hours. Or at least it felt like it had… In reality, which this place so was not, it had only been like twenty minutes of the constant frolicking along the yellow candied road. And listening to Tobi's incessant chatter about candy and lollipops and Dei-sempai and all sorts of other random ass crap that Naruto found hard to follow along with.

"What… Is the significance of this place? Why is it here?" Naruto questioned in one of those three second breaks that Madarape took for breath. The inquiry made the tutu-man stop in his tracks, and he brought his hand to tap at the base of his mask, where his chin should have been.

"Well… I don't know. I couldn't really think of anything else to go with L, and lollipops are my seriously favorite candy. Ever. They're amazing. Always." What an answer. If Naruto hadn't already known the guy was psychotic, now would have been a good time to come to that conclusion. "But we're almost out of here. Other than the Lollipop Laser, there isn't much to see here after you get the first sight!"

"…Lollipop Laser," the blonde repeated blankly. What the fuckshit was a lollipop laser? Why the shitfuck was there such thing as a lollipop laser? What the hell was a laser anyway?

"Yep! You see, I had to create this place. So I made the Lollipop Laser! And remember, the lollipop and the laser are capitalized. Just so you know for your thoughts." What the hell, mind rapist knowing how he was spelling things out in his mind. "Anyway, it kind of turns everything its laser of lollipopness into more lollipops!"

"So… That's how the birds and butterflies and crap got turned?"

"Exactly. But I kind of lost control of it when I finished Lollipop Land. Now it can roll itself around and zap whatever it feels like. Which is pretty much anything not a lollipop already!" Tobi cheered back, still looking perfectly happy. And excited. And totally not afraid of the danger of turning into a lollipop?

"It could pop out of nowhere at any second and turn us into lollipops then?" Naruto continued, seriously not convinced that there was such a thing as a lollipop laser. Wait, excuse his thoughts. Grammatical correction: Lollipop Laser.

"Yep! Pretty great, huh? Anyway, we should keep going. There's only like…" The not-so-scary S-ranked shinobi stopped for a moment, and then kind of mumbled to himself before turning back to Naruto. "Looks like we should think of a different plan."

Naruto's brow furrowed, and he crossed his arms across his chest, looking like quite the stubborn toddler in the oh-so-manly pajama footie. "Why? I thought you were saying we're almost through."

"Yeah, we are." A distant growling/rumbling sound soon grew to resound in the blonde's ears, and Tobi started to shoo Naruto off the path and into the lollipop trees. "But the Lollipop Laser knows we're here now!"

"How the hell can it know? It's a machine. A _machine._" This was the stupidest and most insane thing he had ever done in his life. Like really. And now he was being told to run away from a machine that could tell they were there. Naruto was raising the bullshit flag.

"Because it's kind of morphed. It's more so like… A giant, hundred foot tall lion-bear-snake-wolf-Lollipop Laser now. It's developed all the senses of a predator! Pretty great, huh?" How the hell could Tobidara keep that happy demeanor. He might as well have just told Naruto they were going to be going up against a machinebeast that would turn them into _lollipops._ LOLLIPOPS. And he was still (or at least Naruto was pretty sure he was) smiling underneath that stupid ass mask. "So yeah! We should get-"

But it was too late, as the ground began to shake, and the lollipop animals started to scatter. Bracing himself against one of the lollipop trees, Naruto watched in utter disbelief as the beast thing that Tobi had described, (a hundred foot tall machine-lion-bear-snake-wolf-Lollipop), lurched out of the other side of the path, and directed its sights at the two ninja.

_**ROFFLES. I can't tell you how much fun I had writing this. Like seriously. The Spaz likes her crack, okay? But yeah. Total and utter crack, I just like making lulz. I don't even know what started this. But now it's started and I will keep writing until I get them to the Jelly Jubilee :D AND YES, CANADURIAN, CAN I PLZ MAKE CRISIS REFRENCE PLZ I WANT TO DO A CROSS DIMENSION THING AND THAT'S LIKE PERFECT AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER I SWEAR. D: **_

_**Next time: The Lollipop Laser and The Flipped Forest**_


End file.
